Approximately 4 1/2 hours....

About 4 1/2 hours until the race against time begins. Im scared. Scared for my little novel. Scared for my sleep (because i wont be getting any). Scared for my midterms, scared for my grades, scared for my friends, scared for my fingers. And Scared for all of you, because i will barely be on blogger. I will all typed-out, for one, and for two, between bowling, novelling, and homework, and chores, im stretched out as for as time goes. I will be getting on here maybe twice a week. So you wont need to check here as often for posts (not like you do). So during november, you can consider it a much-needed break from my ramblings :-). have a nice vacation, and dont forget, I will always love all of you!
I'll probably actually be using better punctuation and capitals too when i write because in my book I'll have to, and I'm used to not using apostrophes and such all the time like I'm supposed to. Bad Monika. And it's a hard habit to get back into too.
My pen name. I got one! Monika Rainey. It sounds kinda dumb, but I'll (and hopefully you will too) get used to it. :-) I picked it for a bunch of reasons, because just pickign a random name didnt seem to make sense. :-)
So now im going to go and read more blogs that I've neglected, and talk to people (having the last meaningful conversations that I'll have for awhile), and enjoy the peace. While I still can! And i still have time... today is lasting forever, the first day of "fall back" time. Wooo. I love winter time. Not like the winter season but the way the clocks are you know.

Au revior!

Love~
Monika Rainey =)

Don't you hate it when...

Dont you hate it when everything falls on you? The responsibilty, the blame, the fault, the reasons, the whole dumpster. Right on you. And you really didnt do anything, and it isnt your fault, but people just take advantage of you. I hate it so much when that happens. And i just want to beat the crap out of someone... but violence is not the answer............ so lately my tactic has been nothing. Dont make it worse. Make them shut the heck up. Dont say anything but what they want to hear. Dont talk back, dont defend yourself, dont get mad, dont show emotion. Just answer. They can tell youre pissed, but they dont have anything to go by to prove it to yell at you for. So they get mad, and they leave. usually. hopefully. because i am so tired of dealing with all of this. in case you cant tell, im talking mostly about at home in this case. maybe thats what my dadd wanted all along. To teach me to be his programmed robot. i dont care if he got his way... right now i just want him off my tail, leaving me alone, shutting his mouth. I cant deal with someone who wont listen to me. and it hurts... but i just nod... because if i try to stand up for myself, it only gets me in deeper, gets me more in trouble, for longer. And i just want whatever hes getting all mad about to be over, seeing as i cant avoid getting in trouble no matter what I do...
So right now, im going to leave. Im not going to say goodnight to him, and im going to go upstairs. Ill turn on my radio and just lay there, with no one yelling at me, backstabbing me, blaming me, or judging me. And it will be a beautiful thing.


Love~
Monika

The whole guy thing

i just dont know what guys' thought processes are. It's kind of frustrating. How much more can be said?

Love~
Monika =)

My moms engagement ring fits me perfectly

I stole my moms ring because its soo beautiful

and yeah me and ryan are getting married...

hee hee hee

i like lime green nailpolish, and i dont care how immature it is.

I keep waking up during the night because of this whole novel thing...added to insomnia anyway... its just not fun and i am running on my reseve energy... but its like i keep waking up convinced its november first and im not going to make it =-O. Its insane.

and........

i know what im going to be for halloween and its so funny but its on a sunday, being 'celebrated' on saturday, so noone will see it anyhow. oh well.

and i was crying and laughing so hard today at dinner, because i said something that i didnt mean to say outloud that didnt make any sense, and my mom looked at me so funny... i just died. it was as great (no, better) than laughing at Will and his comb in global. speaking of global... that has something to do with what im gonna be for halloween ;-)

since this all makes no sense im going to go now okay :-)

Love and hugs~
Monika

VOTE MONIKA!

hee
actually, i just need your support to accomplish a goal. That i have realized is kind of intimidating.
I signed up for a contest where you try to write a 50,000+ word novel in 30 days, from november 1st at midnight to november 30th at midnight. thats 1666.667 words a day. and i am pumped. i want to do this really bad, think i can?
And if you have any really good ideas, comment, and i just might use it :-). i have 11 days to come up with a story... im kind of suprised at the adrenaline that came along with signing up for this!

So just... comment and make me feel special and ill write tomorrow

Love~
Monika =)

This may sound over-used and cheesy, but read it anyway. Its all true.

Today, i was a 'peer leader' for an 8th grade field trip. We went to some place called hilltop in i-dont-know-where, and i got dirty! hee. It was fun,
amanda and i did all the activities with the kids. And, i got an inspiration for this blog. So listen.
I learned that everyone has to cooperate and get along to make things work. We have to repect each others opininions and ideas. even if one person gets mad at you, just think about how it affects your life. It may mess up plans you had, or you might get upset and not do well in school, or be crabby and ruin friendships with other people, just because one person isnt cooperating. We all need to work together, when theres more people trying to do something, and really working for it, its more likely to happen. And even the people who think theyre so tough need some support every now and then. We need other people to encourage us, cheer us, pick us up when were down, help dust us off, and get back into the challeneges of life again. And alot of times it takes a lot of tries, you hardly ever get something perfect on the first try. You cant give up, theres always a solution, and sometimes, other people get the solution and you dont. And everyone can do different things, or have different talents.
And theres a few other things that got away when i was typing. But i just hope that some of the 8th graders saw all that (and the other peer leaders too) because its all stuff about life.

:-)

Love~
Monika =)

P.S. and, (in me and amandas all girl group) we learned that girls can do it all without guys! In fact, in some of the things we did, it was good that the boys werent there. We didnt need them, and it made us feel pretty good. ;-D

"what if every one of your hairs weighed a pound?"

yes i like collecting things people say, and that is from my sister olivia (11 yrs. old). she said that when we were talkign about how i weigh the same as oprah since shes lost weight, and everyone thinks she looks so awesome and im like "do i look that good?".
annnd
i went to the dentist and they tried to tell me some guy was going to take my wisdom teeth but i wouldnt let them!!! >:O. well, i bought some time for them at least. and my sister was like "they cant take them out, then youll be dumb" or dumber. i dont remember. the whole wisdom tooth thing, as well as my sorta blonde-ish hair, are two of my familys favorite things to pick on my about, among many.

Love~
Monika

I had a boy in my room (and i got in trouble for it)

Yeah my parents freaked that I had a guy in my room... even though the door was open. And there were kids upstairs. I wont mention any names (*cough* nate *cough*). But yeah, you can see the lack of trust there with my parents. Its either that or overprotectiveness.
Ill admit that my... whats the word... my "urge" to do something may have been heightened by the "chick flicks" me and amanda watched, like 'how to lose a guy in 10 days' and 'my best friends wedding'. They make me want a guy. very bad. uber bad. somebody thats special that really cares about me that i really care about. I am getting lonely and its its driving me insane. and yet, im scared to get into a relationship, because i dont want it to end bad, like the majority of all relationships do. Im also scared of getting a guy that i find i cant stand, or a guy just going out with me because im "there". Just using me to be able to say that he has a girlfriend, and so he cant technically not be 'lonely'. Theres bunches of guys out there like that. and girls too. Im not really like that, ill only go out with someone if i like them, even if it is only a little tiny bit. then i can see if liking them is killed by getting to know them better, or gets bigger. but its so hard to find someone that you like that likes you back, enough to take a chance and go out with you and really put some effort into staying together and showing each other that you care. dating is taken so lightly, i mean i guess most of it is because were in highschool, but im not really like everyone else, and so i dont really understand why they are the way they are.
And people that always have to be going out with someone... yikes. its mostly girls with that problem. they need someone or they feel worthless. well, that means you just need a break from guys to find out who you really are. if you just let every boyfriend decide who you are during that relationship...you dont have a personality for the guys who really mean something to like. They wont go out with you. youll end up with a string of guys who arent really that much worth remembering, because the relationship is either all physical, or barely there. because you dont care. You need to know a little bit of who you are, enough to hold your own in a relationship. I dont know that mush about myself, but i try not to turn into my boyfriend. you dont have to be exactly like them you know.
And then theres the parents again. I wont be able to really do anything if i go out with a guy from school, because my parents are paranoid that im going to do something stupid. just because i know a bunch of pregnant people doesnt mean its going to be me. and it wont trust me. I have limits, and morals and values. and i will stop before it gets to that point. :-) so dadd, if you ever read this, that is my promise lol.
and not doing anything until your married leads to the whole wedding thing. I think im a commitment phobe. I dont have a problem getting attached to a guy, but anything really long term... i either get restless, or scared, or 'how is this going to end', or 'its been way too long. i have to break up with him even though everything is going awesome, before he gets any more long term plans' and even 'this is too good'. i dont have that much experience really, but ive been like that. so ill probably not get married for a good long time, you know after going out the guy for years and really being in love and all that. and i am positively sure. i am an indecisive person, and im always scared i took the wrong choice, and if i picked something else it would have been so much better. that could be a problem later on.
ill stop rambling about my views now, i dont really know how much ive laid out for everyone to see and what kind of comments im going to get on this one, but there you are. heres my 762 word collection of most of my ideas about dating and such. i hope you enjoyed it, come back next time.

Love~
Monika =)

Look up, see blue... and so much more

Just look at a pristine blue sky. I dont mean stand there and merely glance up, i mean go lay in your front yard, oblivious to what the people in the passing cars will think, and stare! 'okay' you think. 'its blue, yeah, so what' But really its so much more. You just cant see it. That sky goes on for so far we can even fathom. We dont even know everything thats out there.
It seems to me that most people dont take time to notice that, you know, to see the small stuff (or, in the case of the sky, the ginormous thing hanging over their head. Its just less obvious). shadows on paper, ants, the funny wrinkle on your bed. They dont think who might be wearing the same shirt as them in california, or where the quarter thier paying for their lunch with has been, or who touched it, and what are they like? How many blades of grass are in their front yard, how many nails are in their house, or all the houses in the world. what do people think when they dont say anything. where did that scratch on the floor come from.
There is so much out there that we dont know, and never will, and that stuff bothers me (in a good way). But what bothers me just a little bit more is the fact that people dont care. They think "who would want to know that anyway?" but imagine all the interesting answers there are.

Stunted Growth

yes i think my growth is stunted... i should really be 6' 3" tall.

:-P

actually i meant like... i suppose you could say stunted socially. I feel like, since i was homeschooled starting at 2nd grade, ive missed out on so much. I had one friend after i left school until i moved here, that i barely got to see. I never really talked to anyone in my old church, they were all stuck up and i was... different. i dressed different and such. and i was deathly painfully shy. i didnt listen to the radio really until i was 13. I wore boys clothes, i didnt really care how i dressed. the only TV i had was PBS...
so im always comparing myself to other people whove been not locked up in thier house for years on end. and i always feel like no matter how i dress or act or am, i will always he 'inferior' to them. ill never catch up, or be looked up to by anyone. Its like... ill always be less than you.

Love~
Monika

Its a long way to richmond, dont grow up passively!

got that? well... just in case you didnt ill elaborate. So many people, just grow up. They dont think about it, it just happens to them. Theyre in highschool, and its like wooooo. rebels and such. then theres college usually, and you meet friends and you sleep more during the day... and then you get married and have kids and live in a house for the rest of your life. And i think that sucks. No, i dont want to live in acardboard box or anything... but i dont want to have an average life. I want to move out of the state, i want to experience a lot of things, and a lot of people and places. I dont just want to grow up and accept the easy way to live, which is just dont really think about making it interesting, just live. And i just see people whove live within a hundredd of miles of where they were born for thier whole life. Whove been married since forever, have had a few kids, and theyre marrige is just kinda blah, and raising thier kids is like blah, and they have a blah job, and the same blah days... except for today WOOO WERE GOING TO WALMART TODAY! AND MAYBE WELL GO OUT TO EAT! or ooooooo the MOVIES! *gapes*. and its just like...... i dont want to be like that. I dont want to be like everyone. I dont want to have the same life.
maybe all teens think that... but then it just happens to them. but i want to try really hard to not live an average life. I mean why? When there so much to the world besides your state? i get bored kind of easily when it comes to how i live, im always trying to find something to do, and i love having a jam-packed schedule. I move my room around alot... because i dotn liek it the same. I loved moving... i cant wait to do that again, but that wont be til i graduate... so,...yes. I dont know how ill be able to have a job itll kill me! routines suck,.. im really spontaneous. in good ways (making my grandparents take e bowlign at 9;00 at night while we were in maine) and bad ways (running outside and sitting in the middle of the road for no reason). It makes everything more interesting. Well, im going to go and do... who knows what. I will see you sometime!

Love and hugs (hugs will always be there! i never get tired of hugs :-) )
~Mnik... you know i should just leave it every time i misspell my name, theres my name on drugs for today. :-P

Rubber Duckie, Youre the One! What about the piza i married? ill get to that.

Im wirting a formal proposal to rubber duckie. literally.

Rubber Duckie-
I love you so much, and i really want to take our relationship a step further. Will you marry me?

Love, hugs, and kisses;
Monika

Why Rubber Duckie you ask? because, guys are mean, and i dont get them, and girls ( well, firstly i dont like girls! not like that) are mean too.
so, ruber duckie and me, weve been together since.... so long i can remember, and im painting him in my art project, and hes just perfect. So to all you guys out there (and maybe even... yikes.... girls....) its too late.
And about that pizza... pizza has a very short life span im sorry to say. I still love my pizza... but hes gone to a better place... pizza heaven... a moment of silence. *nothingness*. *wonders how many letters long a moment of silence is*. now. youre probably wonder why i said ive been with rubber duckie forever, and yet i was married to pizza.... uuuhhh... heh heh dont ask. Im leaving now. And to all the ean people that missed out on me (not like anyone really did), BE NICE so you dont blow it next time.

:-)

Love, (and hugs and kisses for my duckie, with more love);
Monika :-)

I wish i could bleed hot pink

I mean wouldnt that be cool? Like if you cut your leg shaving, or got a papercut, or tripped and fell and smashed your face, id rather be dripping hot pink then red. People could have different colors... green, blue, baby blue... it would be awesome. But we all have red. And when it dries, its dark red. But thats about the only change you get. If your blood could be a different color what color would it be?

Ive been meaning to write that for awhile but i had to write that other post first.

There was something else but i forgot... so im going to go ill prolly post again tonight.

love~
Monika

Who are you?

*climbs up on soapbox again*

Being popular isnt what matters in life, because take a look at the girls who are. First thing you see... well you cant. Thier faces are practically painted on, and just imagine them without makeup. scary huh. And they always wear whatevers in. Theres nothing individual about it. They wouldnt be 'caught dead' in some things. And they think they are perfect.
But i just wanted to say...

You may see that on the outside. And it may look good. But look where it matters... on the inside. They have no respect, and they dont care how you feel. They dont help people, unless they benefit from it. They look down on you. They dont accept people. They critisize. Why would you want to be that? i dont understand. I dont understand why some girls are bottom, and they dont deserve to be.

I dont know how youll see this post, and i know there are some exceptions... but not many. So... I just wanted to say that. Think what you might... then leave a comment.

Love~
Monika