A Moment of Weakness

they become human
a blink.
a sigh.
a gesture.

when they think nobodies around, nobodies watching
the wall comes down, for a split second
a flicker, you can barely see it,
they think theyre safe....
or maybe they dont even know...

the weakness shows, not everything theyre "supposed" to be. Not everything we're supposed to be. Not everything we expect.

the inside, where nobody sees
it shows

one word changes everything
one word youd never expect
a word youd hoped youd hear
but dared not to hope for
a word youd never expect
at a moment youd never thought of
all the times your mind meandered
this moment is never imagined
never rehearsed, never thought over

the moment passes
no reaction
pretend you didnt see
didnt see...
what no one is meant to see

that secrect place, locked inside
gets aired out
opened
briefly
it must...
or you lose who you are
you become the expected

whos seen you
are you safe
that moment
that you dont even notice


have you seen?


who's seen you?

the first time

quite contrary to poplar belief, the first time isnt the best. Its a setting of the stage for the second time, and the time after, when you can experiment and make things better and better. that can be applied to almost everything in life...
sometimes the first time makes it feel more intense, but only because its new. New things always feel... new. different. exciting. but it can get better, and thats something to look forward to.
its like... new shoes, you love them when theyre new and shiny and its awesome... then youve had them for awhile, and you realize how much you love them because theyre all worn out and comfy. Just keeps getting better.
and you thought i was talking about sex
hee hee
anyhow, im sorry it seems like i died, but i havent been on, its been nothing but go go go after thursday when i wrote the last post, i havent even gotten online since then, crazy huh. I lovebeing busy though, having a packed schedule and running all over town and between towns and walking my feet off.
Ive noticed a flaw in parental thinking and behavior (i like to analyze people... so watch out youre prolly next =-O or, if i se you a lot i prolly have a 3 page report about you and your habits and dreams and attitudes and reactions.... just kidding :-P ), to totally change the subject. Maybe its just my parents...but maybe youll notcie (or have noticed). The parents job, as far as i know, is to get you ready for the world, so you treat other people right and have good social skills and working skills and attitudes and ethics and all of that mac and cheese. Not to make you do their work for them. I almost think parents and children shouldnt live together all of the time, because then everyone gets stressed at everyone, and the parents lose sight of their job. The parents then make the kid do the stuff they dotn want to so they dont have to, pick him/her apart. The kid gets mad more, frustrated, learns to try and ditch all their crappy chores and small jobs on other people... etc. The kid when out in the world acts how their supposed to, are responsible, doesnt do drugs or anything, and yet the parent is giving them a hard time at home and doesnt see it, and probably doesnt even care that their job has gone fairly well, which is preparing the kid to face the world, and they actually start to fall back a little on it. The kid gets frustrated and depressed, then starts sneaking things because the parents just dont notice anything about how good their doing (and the kid thinks theyre doing horrible), and its easy to get around some of the rules, so they do it, and that has the potential to ruin everything that the kid was doing right. Parents need to notice the good things about their children, and remember what their job is, and it isnt locking your kid up with rules or treating them like crap or dumping your work on them. Its better to have an open policy with your kids, so at least you know whats going on with them, what theyre doing and where, because chances are you arent going to stop them, and you arent going to know, and thats just how it is.You'll be there for them, help them tlearn from their mistakes... We do things, and sometimes we will do anything it takes to get something that we really want, and you could literally lock us up and we will find some way around it. Please, just listen and notice and focus.
dont make us choose between you and something or someone else... because if you keep us trapped, itll be an easy descision... why would we not do something because you dont want us to when you dont do anything for us?

Love~
Monika =)

okay, time to clean the pallet

the last two were very long and very.... hm something. Not many people probably even read them really, but thats okay, because i dont write for people to read as much as i write to get things our of my head. of course I hope people read, but even if nobody read this it would still be here, being typed in. I must admit though I would get lonely without all the comments...
I want to thank everybody that takes care of me, i have such a huge "extended family", and so many people I can turn to and that support me in the ways that my family falls short which sad to say is alot. I wont list names, but just, thank you. all the little things people do that they might not even think about make such a profund difference, and I dont know where I would be without you.
*polite clapping on the audience*
*exit stage left*
Im going to go, because i have a bit of a stomachache, i dont really know why. But in a little while i shall write you something great, so check back, and remember i love you if you read this!

Love-
Monika =)

but why not today ?

She sat in the middle of the large cluttered kitchen, on a chair that had been at one time blue and white, but the paint was chipped off most of it, and only small patches remained to represent its past. The plaid bathrobe she had hastily wrapped around her was also blue and white, it was flannel and looked in considerably better condition than the chair. Her hair was hanging loose, its small groups of slightly wavy frazzled red strands reaching uncertainly towards the tile floor. It was Saturday morning, and late, according the clock above the sink behind her. She was on the phone, twisting the cord through her fingers, then stopping to attempt to discreetly (and failing) to snap her knuckles. She laughed more than she talked, a short, breathy laugh that was more air than laugh, with an odd, almost painful sounding, short inhale at the end. Talking, her voice was higher than usual, like she was trying to sound polite but had taken it a step too far. There wasn't much on her topic list, she would complain about her husband, comment on the weather, agree to almost everything just to avoid a bad conversation. Bad conversations, she hated them... she would get it started, and it would go off into a topic that she didn't know anything about, and then she would feel inferior again. She talked when she felt she should, but mostly just listened to the person on the other end. Finally, she was saying goodbye, yes she would call later, of course, 'bye. Clicking the phone back into the cradle, she went back to her room, glad it was over because she hadn't had anything else to talk about anyway.

----

where am i going to be when I'm 40? So many people have dreams and then lose them as they get older, they give up, let go, give them up for someone else... it hurts to see that, i wish their dreams could've come true, and i hope mine do. People say you lose all the drive and emotion you have as a teen as you're getting older, and that kind of makes me mad, because I want to actually feel. I want a life that isn't the same every day, something a different. 'Life with a Twist', by Monika. Not, "Life in the Box". I cant imagine getting up, getting breakfast for my kids, doing everything for kids all day, cleaning house for my kids and my husband, then going to bed. "sometimes i cant help thinking 'what about me?'' (keith urban). Thats been my life so far until i came to school... and i don't want it to be my life forever. Where am I going to be when I'm 40? Only God knows... but all the possibilities scare me... i don't want to screw up and end up in a rut. The rut for my is the traditional American Dream... the white picket fence, working husband who comes home in the summer and cooks dinner on the grill while wearing an apron that says "kiss the cook", a kid or two, all smiling in the front yard, the 'family house'. I want to see Mexico and Paris, I want to write stories, i want to experience living in different environments- the big city, the 200 population town (not much smaller than mine now)... apartments, houses, hotels. I want to live in a bus. A private 'tour' bus would be cool, but i would live with a crowded greyhound. Anything that gets me anywhere but where I am. I would live in the back of my car, that would be great. The stupid thing about this world is you have to have money. I hate it so much. Everything should be free for everyone. So the people like me, the nomads, aren't tied down by car payments and mortgages, gas bills and food. Where there's a will, there's a way... and I don't want what I want to do to amount to nothing, or something more realistic. when i laugh at my own dreams, that'll be a sad day. when I get tied down, and i realize what happened, ill cry.
Truck stop showers, laundromats, a different church every sunday. Fleetingly meeting people, all kinds of people leaving permanent imprints in my memory. Parking and walking for miles in the rain, then back again, just because i wanted to. Laying on the roof and looking at the stars. Sitting in traffic. hitchhiking when my car breaks down. Looking for odd jobs to do for cash. Calling home from pay phones. Radio up as loud as it goes. Travelling the whole US, and beyond. Canada, Mexico, India, China, Europe, Africa, beaches and deserts and mountains and rain forests. falling in love, then leaving him there.... going through rolls and rolls of film, not eating much to conserve money during the rough times, picking up hitchhikers...

don't laugh at me, don't laugh at my dreams... and most of all don't tell me I can't do it. Because you're wrong.

Where are the the molesters? the rapists? the perveted ones?

Guys arent as bad as they're made out to be you know, theyre really actually kind of scared of doing things wrong, not being good enough... when to kiss, what to say, what to do. You might already know that, but ive been thinking about it a lot lately, and its true. its just not cool to be unsure of yourself you know, so they pretend they arent, and sometimes the ladies get fooled. I used to be, i used to think guys were fearless, and they mostly wanted the physical and theyd do anything to get it. But really, theyre hesitant, and they dont want to mess things up or make you mad at them. Its interesting. Of course there are the perverted jerks, but usually they dont get involved in a serious relationship, and if they do then... heh.
My aunt Joanna, and her best friend Robyn, one whos dating and ones whos engaged -both with a LOT of experience with all kinds of men, have given me some facts about guys. This might come as a suprise to you, but there are only two types of guys in the world. We named them, based on their relationships past and present, The Angelo and the Darryl.

The Angelo is the kind of guy that latches on. He devotes himself to you, obsessively usually, doesnt so much as glance in anothers womans direction, buys you flowers, clothes, tells you he loves you within a few weeks of going out, takes you to dinner, wants to spend every breathing moment he can with you. He calls a lot, gets depressed a lot, doesnt like it when you want to do things with your friends, is quick to get the wedding planned. He isnt overly physical, but he doesnt really like it when youre more than 10 feet away. He doesnt like it when you look beautiful in public, where other people'll look at you. He'll do anything for you. He crams too much into the beginning of the relationship, and then there isnt anything to look forward to. He'll work and provide for you, move anywhere for you, give you a foot rub. If he doesnt want you to do something though, he wont say it, but he'll give you a heck of a gult trip thats for sure. Theres some great times in a relationship like this, but theres also tons of stress. Depression, back pain, insomnia... etc. have been known to occur with a lot of frequency in relationships like this. And when he calls your cell for the fifth time in 2 hours, dont be suprised if you just go "damn" and hang up on him.

The Darryl- Louder, more dominant. He doesnt give up, speaks his mind, tender moments are far apart, but something to look forward to, because when he says something, he means it. He's not obsessive, likes to do things with his friends, most likely watches sports. He lets you have freedoms, but has a jealous bone as big as as wide as your shoelaces can stretch. He'll suprise you with some of the things that he does, because under his tough exterior is really a kind hearted guy. So when your sick, he might just drive 5 miles in a snowstorm to get you your favorite icecream, but not every time and not if you ask. He's an amazing comforter and such, when youve got him alone (and sometimes after you cook him dinner). He knows a lot about everything, and likes trying new things with you. Not the typical date, he'll come up with something creative. There are usually more arguments in a relationship with a Darryl (an Angelo doesnt typically fight, they roll over and play dead, looking at you with puppy dog eyes) because theyre more hard headed. Theyre not much into "girly stuff", like shopping and decorating and weddings. You might go out with him for years before he proposes.

Ive had experiences with both kinds of guys, and i have to admit that it looks like joanna and robyn are right. Sometimes its hard to tell at first which one a guy is because they all try to hide behind the stereotypical gu-mask, but youll figure out if you get to knwo the person well. Sometimes looks can be very decieving too, a guy that works out and hangs out with his friends al the time might turn into an angelo in a relationship and give up everything. A skinny dork might be a Darryl, taking it casual, but being possesive of you at the same time. See what I mean?
What are the guys in your life... or what are you?

Love~
Monika =)

The Last Post was Drivel

Much like my last few entries. And the lack of entries that Ive written... im sorry about that. I havent really been up to par lately... im sorry about that too. And i really feel bad because people (such as gab, jimmy, baisley, ms nutting! hello, all :)) have been stopping by (and not commenting, not even once, ahem) and reading this and they probably only read the bad entries! How depressing.
The QUESTION OF THE... something... (because i dont have a question at regular intervals... will i mean i probably do but not a formally announced one you know) is; could I be a mechanic if i wanted to be? I mean, i mentioned sitting in on a BOCES class about it to my dadd, because i was looking forward to just seeing the class (please note, im not signing my life away ina contract like ym dadd thinks, im simply sitting in on a class), and it led to 2 days of yelling, crying, and my parents thinking I should be a nurse. Of course, if i dont want to be a nurse... i must get married and have 7 kids like them. I want to go live a hole in nebraska when i graduate :-P. So much easier. I would get paprazzi prolly, sneaking up on me in camo with leaves strapped to their heads... and then the tabloids downt at the Great American and in grocery store checkout lines across america... GIRL LIVES IN HOLE, CANNIBAL DWELLS IN HUMBLE ABODE (dont let your kids into the woods alone), GIRL RAISED BY WOLVES, DRUG DEALER HIDES IN WOODS, CAN SHE TALK?, HOW DOES SHE TRIM HER TOENAILS? things like that. exciting. i cant wait til i tell my dadd im living in the dirt. hell be so proud of me.
maybe ill make that a hole in arizona... you know where its warmer. yeah. but that would mean an overhaul of the sacred blog. cant do that.


now, i have to go and... try to sleep... this morning i woke up (after going to bed at like 11-12) at 5, so i dont know whats up with that. But i do want to walk to school tomorrow. so i should try and sleep some tonight. try. the key word.

Love~
Monika =)

PS- leave a comment, even if you hate me. just do it as anonymous even :-P

uh, monika... you dont have jeans on

for people that know me know that i, 99% of the time, wear jeans, so that title would almost imply that im wearing nothing. But i have brown cordouroys (i know thats spelled wrong) on. With pink silk lining in the pockets hee hee. And a stripy t-shirt with a little bitty baby giraffe/deer/i dont know embroidered on it. And sandals my dog chewed on. Theyre green, with white hawaiin print flowers on them. I'm wearing sandals-- so i could say "i dont have mismatched socks on" it would be like "i dont have jeans on".... And my toes are painted blue and green.
I just left and you couldnt even tell until i told you (funny how that works)! Now i have my PENFIELD LACROSSE sweatshirt on. WOOO GO PENFIELD. I dont even live in in penfield. or nearby. or play lacrosse. or know anyone that does. hm. well, its warm!
look up top at the title. see that? the uh monika deal? well, all the best comments people make start with "um, monika" or "uh, monika"... such as.
"oh, monika, we have some medicine for you to pick up in the office..." (and i had just tried to deny being on drugs)(by the way, im not on drugs you know)
"um, monika, we would never have thought of any of these things, so you better stop." (i was telling my siblings everything they shouldnt do when i was in the shower, such as take pills, leave the house, drink something they couldnt identify, run around town...)
"uh, monika, we dont need a heifer. we have you." (just my nice family)
yes i discovered that they all start with a variation of the same word, followed by name. thats how ill know something good is coming. Think about it, maybe its the same way for you. There were more, i mean i know theres oodles more, but more that i actually remembered, that i forgot.
the end.



Love~
Monika =)

Its 7:06 in the morning

And I just finished putting away the dishes :-P. I woke up really early today and had nothing to do.
The sunrise is really pretty... its like orangy-pink and reflecting off the clouds all over the sky. Makes me happy inside.
A lot of things make me hapy inside lately...
like Becky just for being her and writing me a blog and her great hugs and everything!
and all the bowlers, and their moms, that took such good care of me when i had a high fever at the match day before yesterday. They bought me water, asked me questions, gave me advice, people i didnt even know were coming up and feeling my face to see if i had a fever... i felt so taken care of. Bowling is like one big family. And when i went back to bowl yesterday, everyone came and checked on me :).

Now i have to go catch the bus, so i will write later :)


Love~
Monika =)