but why not today ?

She sat in the middle of the large cluttered kitchen, on a chair that had been at one time blue and white, but the paint was chipped off most of it, and only small patches remained to represent its past. The plaid bathrobe she had hastily wrapped around her was also blue and white, it was flannel and looked in considerably better condition than the chair. Her hair was hanging loose, its small groups of slightly wavy frazzled red strands reaching uncertainly towards the tile floor. It was Saturday morning, and late, according the clock above the sink behind her. She was on the phone, twisting the cord through her fingers, then stopping to attempt to discreetly (and failing) to snap her knuckles. She laughed more than she talked, a short, breathy laugh that was more air than laugh, with an odd, almost painful sounding, short inhale at the end. Talking, her voice was higher than usual, like she was trying to sound polite but had taken it a step too far. There wasn't much on her topic list, she would complain about her husband, comment on the weather, agree to almost everything just to avoid a bad conversation. Bad conversations, she hated them... she would get it started, and it would go off into a topic that she didn't know anything about, and then she would feel inferior again. She talked when she felt she should, but mostly just listened to the person on the other end. Finally, she was saying goodbye, yes she would call later, of course, 'bye. Clicking the phone back into the cradle, she went back to her room, glad it was over because she hadn't had anything else to talk about anyway.

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where am i going to be when I'm 40? So many people have dreams and then lose them as they get older, they give up, let go, give them up for someone else... it hurts to see that, i wish their dreams could've come true, and i hope mine do. People say you lose all the drive and emotion you have as a teen as you're getting older, and that kind of makes me mad, because I want to actually feel. I want a life that isn't the same every day, something a different. 'Life with a Twist', by Monika. Not, "Life in the Box". I cant imagine getting up, getting breakfast for my kids, doing everything for kids all day, cleaning house for my kids and my husband, then going to bed. "sometimes i cant help thinking 'what about me?'' (keith urban). Thats been my life so far until i came to school... and i don't want it to be my life forever. Where am I going to be when I'm 40? Only God knows... but all the possibilities scare me... i don't want to screw up and end up in a rut. The rut for my is the traditional American Dream... the white picket fence, working husband who comes home in the summer and cooks dinner on the grill while wearing an apron that says "kiss the cook", a kid or two, all smiling in the front yard, the 'family house'. I want to see Mexico and Paris, I want to write stories, i want to experience living in different environments- the big city, the 200 population town (not much smaller than mine now)... apartments, houses, hotels. I want to live in a bus. A private 'tour' bus would be cool, but i would live with a crowded greyhound. Anything that gets me anywhere but where I am. I would live in the back of my car, that would be great. The stupid thing about this world is you have to have money. I hate it so much. Everything should be free for everyone. So the people like me, the nomads, aren't tied down by car payments and mortgages, gas bills and food. Where there's a will, there's a way... and I don't want what I want to do to amount to nothing, or something more realistic. when i laugh at my own dreams, that'll be a sad day. when I get tied down, and i realize what happened, ill cry.
Truck stop showers, laundromats, a different church every sunday. Fleetingly meeting people, all kinds of people leaving permanent imprints in my memory. Parking and walking for miles in the rain, then back again, just because i wanted to. Laying on the roof and looking at the stars. Sitting in traffic. hitchhiking when my car breaks down. Looking for odd jobs to do for cash. Calling home from pay phones. Radio up as loud as it goes. Travelling the whole US, and beyond. Canada, Mexico, India, China, Europe, Africa, beaches and deserts and mountains and rain forests. falling in love, then leaving him there.... going through rolls and rolls of film, not eating much to conserve money during the rough times, picking up hitchhikers...

don't laugh at me, don't laugh at my dreams... and most of all don't tell me I can't do it. Because you're wrong.