A Hole in Nebraska

leans back in the chair
the man is short, fat. balding. when he talks, he gestures with his extrememly short fingers.
looks up at the cieling
he just keeps talking. wont stop. whos listening. who cares.
spins a pencil. slouches.
whats the point.
the american school system is like a prison. full of locked doors, passes, rules, stressed out teachers on too much caffiene. Too many people who care about things that are too little. things that dont matter. they teach subjects not involved with a class. favoritism is the basis for detentions.
teaching not for us to learn but for us to pass a test at the end of the year.
what is going on. standing in the hall talking is obviously way too much public affection. I hope they choke on their greasy tuna noodle. then we can say we didnt try to save them because it would be sexual harrassment.

-M

the pull

The way things change has really become obvious to me in the past week, through my neighbors and in my relatives. I know things change, but the amazing thing is how you don't really think it's going to. Its one of things you don't really fully grasp until it happens, and then when it does... it kind of takes you by surprise.
This week I went to my grandparents (my moms parent's and my dadd's mom), and my Aunt's (my mom's and dadd's sisters) houses. I haven't seen them in a long time, especially the family on my dadd's side. I hadn't even seen one of my aunts' new houses even though the rest of my family had. But my grandma's house seemed so different than I remember from when i was younger. It seemed to have shrunk, and some things just felt different. I wasn't ready for that- it was like I expected that house to always be the same and never change. It makes me wish that i could go back and sit in the corner and watch the Disney version on Prince & the Pauper while everyone cooked and the dog (he died), runs around barking. And looking under the chair to find the cat that was always there (he died too). Now i just walked in and sat, while she turned on her new big radio to my favorite station and ate a mushy apple. One thing that stayed the same was the smell, and I'm thankful for that because I love the smell of her house. It happned over time... i guess one day i just realized it.
There's fast change too, where everything in your life suddenly just... turns and you werent expecting it. Like my neighbors. A couple of months ago my one set of nieghbors decided to move, and then they sold their house faster than they expected. The people buying the house dont want the trailer that neighbors are renting on the property, so that set of people had to move out. They finished today... so their gone and soo the first set who sold their house will be gone too. Two houses that were like my own... one that i practically lived in over the summer babysitting while the mom was at work, and the other... i coudl go over whenever like the time at 10;30 at nigth when i was bored stff and everyone here went to bed. Now its all gone... or about to be. A month ago i didnt see this coming and in a week everything's different...

and it will never be the same again

Love~
M

The things a small town does to you

Today Im venturing out into the real world, also known as rochester for the time being, and then wednesday ill be in elmira and back online. i wont be home til friday or saturday. you can live without me for a few days. actually you prolly wont even know im gone. :-P
while im at my aunts im going to write an entry on small towns, looking in from the outside. ive noticed a lot abotu them. sure its just a small grouping of people, but theres so much mre under the surface, so much going on and so many people mixed up... well i cant write the whole post right now cause im leaving... in a gold car...

so comment a pointless comment for me to come back to wendesday and make my day!

Love~
Monika =)

Serving Cake

I think that the people in my life probably feel underappreciated most of the time, so I wanted to dedicate a post to everyone.

To;

Becky- for trying to keep me on the right path, for all the hugs, for listening to me when nobody else will, and for being there. We have the best conversations.

Alyssa- for being random, and making me laugh (as well as everyone else around), always ready to help, and always standing up for a good cause.

Amanda- for being a reminder of whats important, always speaking whats on her mind and being honest when i need it, and for her hyper days that are so fun and amusing.

Kate- for being a leader, doing what she wants to do, and not letting other people effect her opinions.

Lindsey- for having a different view on life, standing up for herself and other people, and being there to talk to. Tons of fun during bowling.

Tricia- Psh what a loser. haha. A lot of insane times... dancing out front of the bowling alley up on that thing like strippers, our future business, walking laps, turning off lights, energy drinks.... dude.

Logan!- for being a completely different person than anyone i know. she makes me feel inferior. j.k :-P. well, almost.

Ben- hmmm. I. Miss. You. A. Lot. :-* <
Matt- for.... hugs! I love his hugs. he comes up with the wierdest stuff, and iis going for what he wants in life insteadof letting is dictator mother smoosh him. An inspiration.

Ethan- I wrote you a whole post. That should say enough right there.

Andrew- for reading this blog, and still talking to me even though i havent seen him in a long time. for pulling through so much, and not giving up.

Phil L.- for teaching me things i never would have learned except the hard way.

Steve L.- for teaching me volumes, and everything else you did.

Nate J.- for teaching me the meaning of sexual harrassment, but not being so bad that i can't get a ride with him or wear his clothes.

Josh E.- I MISS YOU. thank you for being so unique, and walking with me at the superbowl for the past three years, for makign me feel really special, and being there to talk to, and just being you, i love it.

Last but certainly not at all least (save the best for last)... what ive learned and what im learning about myself and life from this one guy im very "close to", Troy. Thank you for teaching me about the way i am in relationships. about how sweet taking it slow can be. for being the opposite of me. and for everything else you do :-* ;-). the past few months have flown by... and the fact that "we" happened by such an odd stringof incidents... if one thing had been off this never wouldve happened. Im so glad it did.


And God... for always being there when not another person on earth is, for listenign to me at all hours of the morning, when im crying, when im throwing things, when im just sitting. when i need a shoulder, and when i dont. for shoving me the right direction even when i dont want to go. for planning out my life and being in charge even when im being stupid and difficult. for giving me a chance. for forgiveness, for his son, for all the opprotunities, for his directions, and for not getting rid of me even though soemtimes im so bad at being a christian. i cant imagine my life without you.


if i forgot anyone ill add you later... i have a splitting migraine...


Love~
Monika

To Ethan

I told my friend Ethan that i would write a post just for him tonight. So here it is, all dedicated to Ethan and all his silly antics and humor. Ethan you make me laugh so hard sometimes and you probably don't even know it. You remind me a lot of your dad. And you look like a monkey. Just kidding. Sort of. haha. No, really.
And so, this was just for you, and I hope it made you smile. Even though you prolly just shook your head and closed the window because this is so... pointless.
Pointlessness is my specialty :-D

feel special, and have a spectacular week

Love~
Monika =)

A Hole in Nebraska

one time there was this i knew girl. she was usually a happy girl. but, one day, she heard some things that her ex said. and it made her sad. and depressed. for the millionth time, because just when she thought she was over it soemthing would pop up again. this girl wnt through it a lot, but she didn't know that after all this time it could still hurt as much as it did. She just wamted to know the truth that she never figured out. so she blogged so she would feel better.


the end.


*empty audience*

*rises off stool and exits stage left*


Love~
Monika

The skittles in the bottom of my pocket. right next to the ibuprofen, tic tacs, and a piece of cat food.

Isnt it weird how so much goes in in your mind subconciously? Whether or not you like someone, whether or not you believe something believe something, where youre going, what youre doing, what youre hungry for, judgements of people, what youre going to say next. I think theres 4 types of thinking. Out loud first of all. then, in your head... and then theres the quieter voice behind the regular one you usually think in, and then theres the one you can't hear at all, that acts without your permission based on past experiences or what you want (but may not even know you want). The subconcious steers you and changes you and you don't even know it.


you dont even know what's going on.

Love~
Monika

Don't be the mass produced, suger-coated cereal. Be the prize at the bottom of the box :-D

I don't have to be what you want me to be.
There's so many different solutions and routes and things to avoid and things to do... but the truth is everything has its benefits and it's negative aspects. Sure, maybe something will get rid of cancer, but you might need an artificial heart by the time its done. Peanut butter may be good for you in some ways, but there's still 100 calories in one teaspoon. The media is composed of hypocrites. Take Prevention magazine... one month its one diet and one exercise guaranteed to make you lose weight. GUARANTEED! And the next month its a totally different thing, also promising to be the very best.
So you can tell me to do something... tell me it's the best thing for me... but there's always a side effect. There's always something bad to go hand in hand with it. Stop trying to make me feel bad about who I am, stop trying to make me feel like I have a crap life.
Let me be who I am. Don't pick on the people who are different. Don't cheer when people decide to conform to what is cool... or at least what's cool that week. You'll never be satisfied.
Stick with what you like and what you think looks good and what works for you. Everyone's different, but you can't really tell by looking around. Everyone tries to cover up who they are... and I'm sure that not many of them are happy. They probably don't even know who they really are, they're buried under all the different clothes and makeup and diets and way of acting... Lost almost beyond recovery.
Lately I've found myself slipping under a little bit, and I just realized it. I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to find who I am and what I like and how I should act. I want to be different, recognizable, I want to stand out to people, be a memorable person, not just another face.
Being quiet is part of my personality. I'm not painfully quiet anymore, I do things and talk to my friends and such. I'm just not going to be a loud harsh cheerleader (excuse the stereotype) type of person. Even though that's what's kind of attractive right now, that's not who I am, and I don't have to be like that. I can sit there, add my bits when I feel like saying something, and absorb. I'm good at that.
Break out of the comfort zone the world has created and be something individual =). Don't squish yourself into their mold, after all, you aren't their play-doh.


Love~
Monika =)

Emotional Baggage... more than just a carry-on

So your man lies to you (only you dont know it until later), gets a little, and then breaks up with you, and then walks away laughing, while youre cold and alone in the rain on bridge in the middle of the night with no way to get home and.... Okay, maybe not exactly , but you get what i mean.
Or the case where he loves you. We're not talking third-grade-give-each-other-candy or even seventh-grade-buy-a-cd love, or even first-kiss love. we're talking about love like weddings and babies and engraved silverware. theres just one problem. youre not feeling the love. sure youve got a great thign going but.... eh. you find yourself flirting (shamelessly) with that guy down at the corner. And then making out with him behind the gas station... just kdding. so you break up with the guy and feel a little guilty like you lead him on, but at the same time ecstatic, because theres that guy at the corner! yess!
And of course theres more... theres mutual breakups and mutually nasty breakups... but the two i mentioned are pretty... popular. And I knwo they happen to guys too im not descriminating, its just easier to write from my perspective on thing slike this sometimes. It still applies, just reverse the genders you know.
every ended relationship comes with its own little... baggage. I wish someone had told me, so i couldve been ready for the bad full-of-bricks heavy baggage. some of it is awesome and light but some of it... isnt. When i realized how long term some of this stuff lasts... i thought baout it a lot. I mean you learn something new from every relationship or almost relationship, or develop tendencies and natures that you didnt have. They shape you and how you are in later relationships.
From the guy that broke up with you and treated you like poop... you learn to protect yourself... and be scared of what guys are going to do. you get mistrustful, literally building a wall around your emotions, not letting yourself go for other guys so hard... not believing what they say. This can push guys away, guys that would be wonderful... but youre scared to let yourself believe that.
Fromt he guy that moved fast you realize the goodness of anticipation, and taking things slow, and how much you want to wait and not get married for a long time. And how it can be a good thing. and how not to let guys push you into things you dont want, you have the right to have a say... its the rest of your life too and even though he loves you... dont let him talk yourself into loving him because youll realize, too late, that you dont love him. and youre stuck with it. you learn to really look at how you feel early on. let things develop for you. if the guy flies by you moving way faster it isnt going to work, you have to be going at the same pace...
and you remember the things you learn, and you hold them close and they make the next time even better, because you are just searching in the dark how to do it, you know. you have your eyes wide open.
dont shut them
i wish peoplr had told me this stuff, but i just had to learn it. maybe youll benefit... i hope so.


Love~
Monika =)

Reasons and Excuses

Excuses and such that might come in handy. Use these directly or as inspiration for your own. No need to give me credit. In fact, I'd rather you didnt.
-to get away with talking to yourself; talk into a cordless phone or cellphone. When someone you dont want to talk to you tries to cut in make an angry face at them and point at the phone.
-to get away with being late to supervision; take out a couple of pieces of paper and maybe a food wrapper from your locker when youre getting books, throw them in your bag, and tell the teacher you were cleaning out your locker. (if you use this often enough your locker will get considerably cleaner. Just make sure you dont use it on the same teacher multiple times)
-to get out of eating dinner or some other family function... the classic play sick. A lot of sicknesses can be brought on by just dwelling on an ache or pain or something, so you can actually make yourself sick, and then make yourself better later. (use sparingly, and dont overdo it, especially before a big event that you actually want to go to because then they might keep you locked up).
-to get out of working out; there are millions. I ate too much, I slept too much, i slept too little, im depressed, i had a really good day, i had a really bad day, i worked a lot yesterday, i already did enough stuff today...


etc.



ill stop for now, i feel like im teaching people how to sneak around. Any specific requests... im welcome to them and I no doubt have a tip or two, or maybe some full out advice for you. get at me... scaredbyme72 is my aim. ;-) hope to hear from you.
one thing.... i will not help you cheat on your boyfriend. maybe getting yourself out of it, but not doing it.

super


Love~
The Big M