And I realized that maybe if I put some clothes on...

Good evening, and welcome to Channel 569 news, youre most obscure and vague source for news at 3:12 AM. I'm Francesca...
And I'm Dick. Tonight on Channel 569 news...
F; A man was found rotting in a ditch. He appeared to have been there for several days.
D; He was discovered when an elderly woman who lived less than 30 feet from the ditch realized the smell that had been bothering her was not her dog.
*turns to new camera. Fake smile. Pause. Get on with it.*
F; The location for the 2047 Olympics is being debated next week in Utah. The choices are between two remote middle-east countries, the names of which we are not able to pronounce. Currently nobody can tell the difference between the two countries.
D; Are you the next to get canned? No, not by your boss. Forget the chicken flu, and mad cow, the latest concern among experts is the possibility of a virus getting into the canned goods systems. They say the chances of such a virus are very threatening.
"Next time," said Dr. Chew, a respected plastic surgeon "before you buy those canned beans, ask yourself if you're willing to take that 0.01% chance on your life. Is it worth it?"
F; Coming up next on Channel 569 news at 3;12 AM, the channel you didnt even know you had, and the news you new knew you got...
D; ...because you were sleeping.
F; We'll be bringing you the latest updates on...
D: ... Who shot Waldo? The popular cartoon character seems to have been found for the last time by a crazed stalker who was tired of tracking him down page after page.
F; A dog finds it's way home after 25 years. There's only one question... is it the same dog?
D; Man gets charged with arson for collecting fire insurance on a box of cigars after smoking them.
F; Babysitters revolting? Who'll watch the kids? Babysittings joining together to demand more reliable pay. "Who'd want to watch your kids for as little as you pay anyway?" they demand.

*commercials, thank heaven*