Lack of words

Shut upppp...

some people wont leave the little things alone, and they want everyone to be like them, and they cant accept anyone elses point of view, and they dont care what other people think...

And its funny when parents are on two different pages... like when you want to do something and just your moms home you're like 'hey im going downtown ill be back at 5' and she just shrugs, and then when your dadds home you have to be like... 'I was um wondering, if i did the dishes and cleaned the bathroom if i could go down to the game at like this time, and ill be back asap...' and theyre all strict and ... its so stupid. but amusing.

Also, today I spent about 3 hours total with my boyfriend saying pretty much nothing at all. 3 hours of silence, it can get pretty awkward. And it doesn help when he just says he has to go and gets in his car and leaves, either. Not fun stuff. I mean i could barely talk to my mom today I don't know what my problem was.... who knows. I just hope its better tomorrow.

BIG GAME TOMORROW! Troy hit in the winning run last game with a score of 6-6 bottom of the 7th with 2 outs. Its was beautiful. The game was close, a match of skill, but ACK baseball prevailed lol. Troy hit first, saw Masse running happily to home, and grabbed Rick (the base coach) in a hug, while the third baseman for the other team (GMU), sank to his knees... it was great. I hope they do that good tomorrow.... theyre playing a team they beat twice (Deposit), but we will see how this goes. Wish them luck! Sectionals... doesnt happen too often for Afton boys, but this year the teams good. Not too mention grueling hours of practice with dictator rapp lol. Hey, it turned out for the best.

-M :)

PS wish me luck talking. Im not going to allow a lull. (allow a lull... say it out loud lol)

people stare when you cry at the XtraMart...

I hate it when people stare at you, and then when you look at them they look away really fast like you wont notice they were looking.
I hate it when you can't help but cry, and someone just tells you not to be upset. Whatre you supposed to do? Smile? What if its been building up and you cant hold it in anymore? Does that even matter? Letting it out?
I hate it when you know somethings wrong with someone else, and they wont tell you anything except that theyre fine, when its obvious they arent. Then you feel like its your fault. Or that you should be able to help them and youre failing at it.
I hate it when people ignore you.
I hate not knowing whats going on.
I hate having to sit in the car with the doors locked to let it all out, and even then my stupid family wont leave me alone, and they dont even know how to go about helping. And they dont even care.
I hate the "down" days in a relationship.
I hate feeling helpless...

-Monika

9;35

rushed to bed
rushed for chores
making a shell of our lives for the world to see
fighting behind the scenes
rushed

sorry, but ive got to go. Getting to bed on time is "the bigger picture". Bigger than me writing about how I feel, or anything else. Laying there with my eyes closed not moving is more important.

I hate it here. If I dont get out after I graduate... bury me alive. Might as well.

-Monika

Feeling Dirty

Some guys are so... i dont even know what to say. Slimy? (Matt, i know the last few posts have mentioned you and been abotu you, but this one isnt dont worry. Even though sometimes i question your motives... what are your motives matt? :P). Yeah... like the old guys drunk coming out of the rendezvous (a local bar), and telling me we need to get a room... or the guy sitting in his pickup, smoking, just staring at you. Or the guys that always want to go a little farther. Or the guys that dont care that you have a boyfriend and try to get what they want no matter that itll make you feel guilty even if you didnt do anything to condone or encourage the behavior...
It just makes you feel all gross and dirty inside... and you just want to go puke and then take a long shower with lots of soap and shampoo...
And then avoid gurs for a couple days... just locked in your room...

*shiver*

-M

Jest Chillin yo

lol.
So all of my best friend sare down at the ball game. (THE LAST HOME GAME) and Im home. making a cake. woo. I want to be there so bad but apparently my mom wants me to be home and "do whatever I want" so... here i am. doing nothing, which isnt what i want. the boys should come up here and play in my yard :D that would be awesome.
I really want to take a shower... maybe I should do that. But I need to clean my room... and the things you need to do often prevail over which you want... which sucks. That remind me of Mona Lisa Smile, which was an awesome movie, I guess because I related to it a lot. It was about how different things make different people happy. Maybe someone is getting married and letting go of career dreams just because thats whats expected and thats what theyre "supposed" to do. And maybe someone else is letting dreams go to get married and have a family, becaus ethats what they really want. I just dont want to end up married and not happy.... stuck with 5 kids and 2 mortgages on a house somewhere cold, driving a crappy minivan or SUV. Never going on vacation, or two the movies, and ...not getting any love from my man. That would be the worst way my life could turn out. I think i would go insane... and then bad things would happen.

Love~
Monika

PS Matt- I got your other comment a couple posts down :)

hey matt

I just thought id make your computer class a little more interesting ;)
thanks for the comment... lol love you too matt :D. I love your comments too. anyhow i am soo tired... i walked a lot today and so im going to go to bed. Let me know about band practice... dont skip out on us this time! lol. I was looking forward to it. even if i cant play... ill help somehow. Id write mroe if i could but im late and my dadd might kill me! see you soon...

Love~
Monika =D

Jeans are like men...

...The more you break them in, the better they get.

I saw that in an ad for cotton, and i loved it, it made me laugh. But then I got to thinking about it, because you know this was an ad about jeans and I love love love my jeans (as everyone knows), and i realized that its actually kind of true.
Think about it.
You first buy a pair of jeans. They fit pretty good, and youre pretty excited about getting them (new jeans make me very happy i dont know about everyone else... i mean i live in jeans...) and its like meeting a guy and a first date and all that. Its new and fresh, and it seems to be fitting pretty well ( or you wouldnt buy the jeans and you wouldnt be going out with the guy if he didnt seem decent), and its pretty exciting. So you take them home, wear them a time or two again (more dates with the guy) and then you wash them. Sometimes after the first wash they dont fit quite right anymore, and maybe the guy just isnt working out, and you dont wear them very often, and you either break up with the guy or take it very casually.
And some other times, they just get better after you wash them, like sometimes after a test of your relationship you get closer. And you keep going through the wash, but the two of you always come out closer, more comfortable, ready for anything. Like jeans.

I just was thinking about that today... looking at my wonderful jeans that im wearing even though one of the beltloops ripped a hole in them... i wouldnt throw them out after all this time... they have character and theyre just so comfortable now. they got better as they got broken in. keep it in mind.


Love~
Monika =)

Stop Flippin Flipping Out

I hate it when people overreact and freak out about things but do nothing to change anything. they blame it all on everyone else and never take any action or any blame or anything. Their worlds are stuck and wil probably never change. And they will die from a heart attack from the stress.
I also hate it when peopl ask someone a questions and theyre like "come on what do you really want to do?" so the other person answers and theyre like "no way! anything but that" ...

i dont know. i feel like writing but i have no time for anything. now i relax by laying in my bed reading books like Dirty White Boys and Plain Jane and old issues of Redbook from the library. And then i worry because i have to get my homework done in school the next day. But Ill say its pretty worth it, just to have the moments of procrastinating calm bliss. everything always works out and falls into place, I love that. :D

I cant wait for it all to fall into place for me to get the flip out of here! I know bills and work and all that... but You know what? minus the "family (dadd) tension". I feel bad because everyone else has to stay here, and i feel especially bad for my mom.. but she married him so she must love him right? okay then. but i mean ive been here the longest you i deserve to get out.

And the boyfriend.. i always feel like such a boring failure girlfriend. sometimes i just want to kick myself. sigh.

anyhow i have to go before i get in trouble, but i had to say Hi to matt before I go... because matt reads this sometimes and i appreciate it. Im sorry i havent been on so much. pfft i am falling short and spreading myself thin. sometimes though it makes it better, and i dont have to dwell on things so much. eh...

byes all of you.

Love~
Monika