hi hello

Just had to let everyone know that- i. am. starving.

okay bye

-M :-)

Dude that monika girl should post more.

I agree. maybe I'll have her to write something worthwhile, because I admit this is no-writing thing is getting pretty boring. No posts no comments.

In the last couple weeks since my last post--

-God gave me a slap in the face wake up call that my life is messed up, and Ive been trying to work on that. We were at a Scapegoat concert, and just to make a confession, I was thinking about going to a party that night instead, and I'm so glad i didnt. In fatc, I think that the party was called off so that i would end up going to the concert. And even going I thought it was probably going to be boring... but then after the songs and the message, I just realized so much was wrong with the way I was going, and I sat there in the front row and cried for like half an hour... the people that were "working" there came and prayed over me, and checked up on me later, and the lead singer came and sat with me...he didnt say anything he just sat the with his hand on my back because he knew what I was thinking... and some girl katie was really supportive too. God is love thats for sure, and just seeing how much total strangers can love you because you have something - God - in common with them... its amazing. just more proof that he's really there.
Tonight he's (the lead singer), is coming to speak at my youth group, and im really looking forward to it, because I love the way he presents things, and makes them so real. Things you've heard a million times. I heard those verses that he read last time countless times in my life, but the way he read them, and pointed things out, and the way he felt it too... something broke. In a good way. I can't wait to hear him again. His love for God is amazing, he's a real inspiration, a living testimony.

im not going to write about anything else. I'm just going to leave it at that.

-M

Lack of words

Shut upppp...

some people wont leave the little things alone, and they want everyone to be like them, and they cant accept anyone elses point of view, and they dont care what other people think...

And its funny when parents are on two different pages... like when you want to do something and just your moms home you're like 'hey im going downtown ill be back at 5' and she just shrugs, and then when your dadds home you have to be like... 'I was um wondering, if i did the dishes and cleaned the bathroom if i could go down to the game at like this time, and ill be back asap...' and theyre all strict and ... its so stupid. but amusing.

Also, today I spent about 3 hours total with my boyfriend saying pretty much nothing at all. 3 hours of silence, it can get pretty awkward. And it doesn help when he just says he has to go and gets in his car and leaves, either. Not fun stuff. I mean i could barely talk to my mom today I don't know what my problem was.... who knows. I just hope its better tomorrow.

BIG GAME TOMORROW! Troy hit in the winning run last game with a score of 6-6 bottom of the 7th with 2 outs. Its was beautiful. The game was close, a match of skill, but ACK baseball prevailed lol. Troy hit first, saw Masse running happily to home, and grabbed Rick (the base coach) in a hug, while the third baseman for the other team (GMU), sank to his knees... it was great. I hope they do that good tomorrow.... theyre playing a team they beat twice (Deposit), but we will see how this goes. Wish them luck! Sectionals... doesnt happen too often for Afton boys, but this year the teams good. Not too mention grueling hours of practice with dictator rapp lol. Hey, it turned out for the best.

-M :)

PS wish me luck talking. Im not going to allow a lull. (allow a lull... say it out loud lol)

people stare when you cry at the XtraMart...

I hate it when people stare at you, and then when you look at them they look away really fast like you wont notice they were looking.
I hate it when you can't help but cry, and someone just tells you not to be upset. Whatre you supposed to do? Smile? What if its been building up and you cant hold it in anymore? Does that even matter? Letting it out?
I hate it when you know somethings wrong with someone else, and they wont tell you anything except that theyre fine, when its obvious they arent. Then you feel like its your fault. Or that you should be able to help them and youre failing at it.
I hate it when people ignore you.
I hate not knowing whats going on.
I hate having to sit in the car with the doors locked to let it all out, and even then my stupid family wont leave me alone, and they dont even know how to go about helping. And they dont even care.
I hate the "down" days in a relationship.
I hate feeling helpless...

-Monika

9;35

rushed to bed
rushed for chores
making a shell of our lives for the world to see
fighting behind the scenes
rushed

sorry, but ive got to go. Getting to bed on time is "the bigger picture". Bigger than me writing about how I feel, or anything else. Laying there with my eyes closed not moving is more important.

I hate it here. If I dont get out after I graduate... bury me alive. Might as well.

-Monika

Feeling Dirty

Some guys are so... i dont even know what to say. Slimy? (Matt, i know the last few posts have mentioned you and been abotu you, but this one isnt dont worry. Even though sometimes i question your motives... what are your motives matt? :P). Yeah... like the old guys drunk coming out of the rendezvous (a local bar), and telling me we need to get a room... or the guy sitting in his pickup, smoking, just staring at you. Or the guys that always want to go a little farther. Or the guys that dont care that you have a boyfriend and try to get what they want no matter that itll make you feel guilty even if you didnt do anything to condone or encourage the behavior...
It just makes you feel all gross and dirty inside... and you just want to go puke and then take a long shower with lots of soap and shampoo...
And then avoid gurs for a couple days... just locked in your room...

*shiver*

-M

Jest Chillin yo

lol.
So all of my best friend sare down at the ball game. (THE LAST HOME GAME) and Im home. making a cake. woo. I want to be there so bad but apparently my mom wants me to be home and "do whatever I want" so... here i am. doing nothing, which isnt what i want. the boys should come up here and play in my yard :D that would be awesome.
I really want to take a shower... maybe I should do that. But I need to clean my room... and the things you need to do often prevail over which you want... which sucks. That remind me of Mona Lisa Smile, which was an awesome movie, I guess because I related to it a lot. It was about how different things make different people happy. Maybe someone is getting married and letting go of career dreams just because thats whats expected and thats what theyre "supposed" to do. And maybe someone else is letting dreams go to get married and have a family, becaus ethats what they really want. I just dont want to end up married and not happy.... stuck with 5 kids and 2 mortgages on a house somewhere cold, driving a crappy minivan or SUV. Never going on vacation, or two the movies, and ...not getting any love from my man. That would be the worst way my life could turn out. I think i would go insane... and then bad things would happen.

Love~
Monika

PS Matt- I got your other comment a couple posts down :)