Bad Mood Ramblings

i feel like crap. i see people hanging out with their friends, and i feel like i dont have any. I see girls and guys, happy to be together, and i feel lonely. I feel like im not good enough to have someone like that, otherwise i would. I feel so incredibly lonely that it hurts lately, and that makes me depressed, which makes me want to eat, which makes me fat, which makes me more self-conscious. And i just feel more worthless. its like, what am i here for? I cant do anything. I dont really have any talents. Im just...me. i cant start a conversation. I cant figure things out. i cant play sports. despite what you say, i cant really draw. Im not pretty. im not really good at anything in school. i cant make people happy. I cant figure out who i am. im overly dependent on other people. i am nothing. youll all see. get to know me? whats there to know. nothing really. nothing youd wanna hear. some of you wont believe me. i know you. well its true. so youll have to deal with it, and so will i. Ill just live in my hole in nebraska.
my parents expect the worst. they always have. i used to try my best, but they kept accusing me. So i lived up to their expectations, or should i say down. but they didnt even care enough to notice. they just keep accusing me. since thats what they expected, thats what they got. And it hurts, that i changed, that they dont care, that i cant be good enough. I want to be, but im sick of trying to please everyone. when someones not happy with me, they think i dont care. well i do. and i want to make people happy. but i cant please everyone, and im sorry for that. along with everyone else theres little me too. sometimes i cant help thinkin about me, btu that just makes more people mad. Im sorry. i cant do it. i dont want you mad, or to thinkt hat i prefer someone else over you, or that im mad at you. sometimes though, a choice has to be made, and i cant make everyone happy. people dont understand. Well maybe they do, im sure they do, someone does, but i just dont see it.

--monika